If you’ve watched Shark Tank you’ve seen how inventors and business owners appeal to the panel of investors for money in exchange for ownership in their business. Some appeals are successful because the presenter has the magic sauce composed of an effective product, supportive financial data, a reasonable assessment of value, and an entrepreneur with attractive business qualities. Others fall flat because they’re missing one or more of these factors. The objective of the show is clear, and so are the requirements to walk away with a deal, yet many people walk away with no deal in hand because investing is serious business, and not everyone is a fit to enter into a business relationship with. The truth is, not everyone is a fit to enter into any relationship with, and similar to the Shark Tank panel, when it comes to matters of the heart, not everyone is worthy of your investment. Anything that you pour into with the expectation of receiving something in return is an investment. Relationships are an investment. Healthy relationships require you to pour time, attention, affection, and commitment into another person, and before doing so, it’s important to assess whether or not you can expect to receive a return. Unfortunately, for many, the assessment process never happens. Instead of approaching matters of the heart from the perspective of an investor, they approach them as a gambler; high on the waves of emotion, heavily entertained, yet seeking a profitable return. A return which almost never comes. Gambling is emotional, and like many people in pursuit of love, the desired outcome doesn’t align with the process. In both cases the parties in pursuit walk away disappointed at best and severely set back at worst. This happens because they fail to soberly assess whether or not there’s proof, not promise or potential, that the choice in front of them is capable of producing their desired outcome. In your case, the desired outcome is love contained within a healthy committed relationship. Similar to what I’ve witnessed during the Shark Tank assessment process, vetting someone for a healthy relationship strikes a delicate balance between the practical and personal. In the case of Shark Tank, the practical is the data, the numbers that provide factual information about the performance of the business. If there’s no proof of performance, investing becomes a gamble. After the numbers review the panel shifts their focus to the person to determine if they can work with them to take what they’ve built and multiply it. In this case, the numbers don’t matter if it doesn’t feel like a fit, and that ‘feel’ comes largely from the gut. In love, the practical data is the factual information that you acquire through conversation and observation that informs you about who this person is. Some practical information includes facts about work and self-sufficiency, temperament, ethics and integrity, and values. This information tells you whether or not this person is suited to be in partnership with you. Will they contribute equitably to the household? Will they provide suitable care for you? Will they be consistent and committed when life gets difficult? The practical data is key to a healthy relationship and needs to be the box that is checked first in your assessment process. The personal assessment becomes equally important only after you’ve determined that the core person, independent of what you can do for or with them, is good enough to be in a relationship with you. And yes, they must be good enough to be in a relationship with you. For some the idea of someone else being good enough stings, because it touches that part of you that’s always believed there was something about you that wasn’t good enough. I submit to you that you’re worthy of love. You deserve someone who is good enough to give it and receive it from you. Deep down you know that, and you’ve wanted to protect your investment, you just haven’t known how. When you assess someone on the personal level you become the protection that you never knew you could be. The personal assessment involves chemistry and a determination of whether or not you like this person, but more than that, the personal vetting process requires you to be clear about how you feel. Feelings in this case aren’t as much about feeling good, as they are about feeling right. This is where your gut comes into play, because what you’ve been told, and even what you’ve observed on the surface may not align with the truth. This is where you go from trusting them to trusting you. There is truth in your feelings that you must learn to trust. Are there any internal warning signs? Are you able to be calm and settled in their presence? What do you notice about you when you’re with them? These are the feelings that matter because anyone can make you feel good, but not everyone will feel right. After reading this you might notice there’s a distance between knowing how to assess someone and actually being able to do it, between knowing your worth and believing it. There’s a chasm between knowing you have a gut and how to trust it. That distance is where the work begins. It's closing the gap between understanding the investor mindset and becoming the woman who lives it: the one who can no longer be talked out of what she knows, who protects her investment without apology, who finally believes she's worth protecting. You may have finished this and felt that gap open a little wider: you understand the assessment, but you're not sure you could actually run it. You know, in theory, that your gut has been talking. You're just not sure you'd trust it if it did. That's not a flaw in you. It's what happens when the pattern you grew up inside taught you the warning signs were normal, that feeling small was love, that being talked out of what you knew was just being reasonable. You can't trust a gut you were trained to override. So don't start with him. Start with the pattern. The Relationship Pattern Diagnostic is a few honest questions that reflect back the thing you've felt but haven't been able to name. It won't tell you what to do. It'll show you what you keep doing, which is the first thing that has to become visible before any of this becomes possible.  [TAKE THE DIAGNOSTIC →]

The question, “Why do I keep losing myself in relationships?” is one that’s common for both men and women who routinely shrink themselves and give space to everyone else in an effort to make themselves more lovable. These are the anxious overgivers who mistakenly believe they need only a little from others to be happy in relationships; yet when their experience is actually understood, they are the silent sufferers who sit in the quiet resentment of giving and giving only to find that when they need to receive, there’s no one around. These are the strong, responsible, and high-achieving folks who are always ready to give…in fact they volunteer, yet rarely, if ever, lean on others for help. These people don’t passively lose themselves, they actively, yet not intentionally, give themselves away, time and time again. They do this because of a deeply held belief that their worthiness in love is based on what can be given, instead of who they are. This belief lies beneath the surface of every relationship they engage in, and regardless of how unfulfilling the outcome, the cycle repeats itself. At work, they are the high achievers who sometimes receive a “thank you” or pat on the back for going above and beyond, but may rarely receive the compensation that matches their effort. In their personal life, they show up consistently for others, and on the rare occasion they ask for help, they are met with excuses that leave them right where they began, sitting alone with it. With all that they put into relationships, there is no expectation of being met at the level of their giving. So, out of the gate, the relationship, any relationship, begins from a place of imbalance, where they are assigned the role of the giver, and the other, the taker. Giving becomes instinctual and reflexive; it often feels like who they are at their core. But in nearly every relationship, they eventually find themselves sitting in the bitterness and resentment of constantly showing up for people who rarely if ever show up for them. Essentially, they carry the belief that they must give in order to be in meaningful relationships, and they choose people who reinforce that belief. If you’re recognizing these patterns in yourself, you know just how painful it is to find yourself in this cycle that reduces you down to only what you can give; and when you’re in spaces where your only contribution is giving instead of being, you lose yourself every time. Most count it a badge of honor to be a giver. The truth is, being a giver is only a gift when it’s rooted in strength. It looks like joyful giving that doesn’t come from obligation, personal need, or lack. When you give because you really want to, because you can, and because it is truly your pleasure, it enhances your own happiness and adds no burden. You’re in control, and not subject to the control or manipulation of others. On the other hand, if you find yourself giving because you can’t say ‘no’, it’s not a gift at all, it’s a curse. It’s shaped by the blueprint you carry that says, “I must give in relationships”. Not because you want to, but simply because this is the way it’s always been. But what would happen if you stopped giving? What’s at stake? And what would your relationships look like if you could actually receive? In fact, would you have any relationships if you decided to lay down your role as the giver? These reflections are significant because it doesn’t have to be the way it’s always been, and no one is going to change that but you. Takers take. They don’t pause long enough to consider the impact of their taking, but you do. You feel the loss each and every time. But somehow you continue to believe that by giving you’ll actually receive something, and that just isn’t the case. The ray of hope often comes on the rare occasion that a taker gives, and it’s important to note just how rare it is. Typically, it’s also unfulfilling because you can feel the begrudging nature of their giving. You feel it because takers only give enough to keep taking, not because they actually want to give. They live to receive, and as long as you keep on giving, they’ll continue to take and you’ll continue to lose. When it comes down to it, you’ve lost yourself, because you’re a giver who fails to keep you at the center of your giving. You’ve prioritized others to the degree that you need them to give back to you to be fulfilled, because after all of your giving to others, there’s nothing left for you. What you’re essentially doing is working to make others happy while ignoring yourself. ‘No’ doesn’t exist in your vocabulary, because you’ve been conditioned to believe it can’t. If you say no, they’ll leave, they’ll be sad, they won’t want to be in relationship with you, and if that’s true, you’re not in a real relationship at all, you’re in a transaction. You give. They take. You lose. You haven’t yet realized that when you prioritize you, you actually win. Sure, you’ll lose them. And when you see losing them as a win it becomes a no-brainer. Giving is not a requirement; it’s a blessing. And so is receiving. You need to be able to draw from where you pour, that’s a relationship. That level of reciprocity is necessary for partnership, and it only comes when you see yourself as the central priority in your life, and everyone else as valuable additions. Losing yourself isn't an accident, it's a pattern. And patterns change when you can clearly see them. The Relationship Pattern Diagnostic shows you yours. Take the diagnostic.