Counseling and psychotherapy for individuals, couples and families.

3 Telltale Signs of an Abuser

Kerrie Jones • February 14, 2025

Often many of us want to see the good in people, which is a setup for our own disappointment, resentment, or heartbreak. When we focus primarily on seeing the good in people it creates a gap that prevents us from seeing the real in people; and when we can’t see the real we are left vulnerable and defenseless to the abuses of others. Vulnerability and defenselessness are comforting and healthy in the presence of safety, but what do we do when others are unsafe? Simply put, we pay attention so we can navigate our way to safety.


Unsafe people are abusive; and abusive people want power and control. If you’re going to get to the place where you can never be abused again, you’ll need to hold onto your power and secure your sense of safety. To do this it’s necessary to see people for who they are, even when they are well-intended, because well-intended people can be unsafe as well. I know how difficult it can be to call a spade a spade, especially when you haven’t trusted your intuition on this level before it the past. So, I want to give you three ways to know when you are at risk of being abused.


Secrets

In most cases, abusers don’t want others to know about their abuse. They take the time to select the right target to help ensure their tactics get them what they want without being discovered by others, so they go to great lengths to establish rules of secrecy in the relationship. For children, the rules of secrecy can start off as a game that’s generalized to everything that occurs in the relationship. Among adults, the rule can be established many ways; it can be framed as a mandate from the outset where there is a threat of loss because they tout themselves as being “a private person” who doesn’t want others in their business, or they mine you for something embarrassing so they can use it as a threat to expose you if you were to tell others. Another way secrecy is established between adults is through the appeal of elitism; you’re apart of something special that others cannot know about because they are not special enough or are incapable of understanding. This approach often evolves to become more threatening if secrecy is not maintained.  


The problem with secrecy is that in the beginning the secrets are innocent and maybe even fun, with time, however, you, the secret-holder become more of a target for abuse and the intensity of the secrets makes them more difficult to maintain. Next, you may run into the issue of sunken cost where the commitment to the secret becomes greater than the commitment to personal well-being. So much has happened that it can seem like there’s no point in telling others, so the cycle continues, and it becomes a breeding ground for shame. Disclosing abusive secrets is the key to unlocking your freedom, and avoiding secrets altogether is the key to maintaining your power.


Urgency/Rushing

While we don’t have all the time in the world, taking our time before making decisions, especially important decisions is vital. Often when we rush into decision-making we can run into regret. When others impose a sense of urgency upon us it’s often because there’s something they don’t want us to consider. The pressure of time disrupts calm, and when we are deprived of calm it inhibits our ability to develop sound and clear thoughts; and without active awareness we can only really process what’s in front of us at the time, including what we hear from the person in our ear rushing us to decide. Generally, people who create this type of condition stand to gain more from your immediate decision than a well-thought out one. This is a power play, and it’s abusive.


Pressure/Ultimatums

There’s a significant difference between asking someone to make a decision and asking for a decision with an imposed threat. In the absence of threat or pressure the true self emerges and the heart decides; threats muddy the waters. It’s hard to know what someone might naturally do when pressure is involved and when someone introduces threat, they generally want to control the outcome. Because of this, people who impose pressure upon others are abusive. The goal is to get what they want, not to discover what you want; this positions you to choose between them and you, and when you succumb to pressure, you’re choosing them.


In healthy relationships there is a respect for autonomy; each participant is free to think, speak and act according to their own will. Naturally, we only have control over ourselves, and with that control, we have the ability to walk away from people who are incompatible with us. One way to assess for compatibility is to pay attention to our comfortability in relation to others. Are you comfortable with keeping secrets or with being rushed? If not, someone who requires this of you is not compatible with you. If you’re indifferent, it’s possible that you have an extensive history of abuse that is familiar which leads you to settle for behavior you aren’t really comfortable with. In that case, you need to heal so you can learn the signals your body gives you to indicate deep discomfort. Ultimately, there’s no need to try to make something fit with someone who doesn’t fit you, and the only way to know if there’s a fit is to pay attention.


If you’re having challenges in your relationships and you need support, please reach out.

The Trouble with Anxious Attachment

By Kerrie Jones • January 29, 2025
It’s difficult to indulge in any form of media without stumbling upon an article or video that exposes a psychological challenge and provides some solution to the problem. Pop psychology is on the rise due to an increase in suffering, we the “experts” are trying to do all we can to help as many people as we can, and one of the greatest causes of suffering is relationship abuse. In my practice I specialize in recovery from narcissistic abuse and I’ve come to understand that people, largely women, who have suffered abuse aren’t victims, they’ve chosen their abuser(s), and ultimately their abuse. I know, you may be asking the question, ‘why would someone choose abuse?’, and my answer to that is they’re not making a conscious and active choice, but rather one from the subconscious.  Ages ago, people who studied the mind discovered the power of the unconscious has to take control of our lives, and in the last century, a psychologist, Carl Jung said, “until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate”. What this means for you is you are likely being controlled by unconscious drivers that have highjacked the brain and lead you to do things you don’t truly want to do. It’s evident when you look at your life and you find yourself stuck in patterns and cycles that are taking you away from where you want to be. In the case of relationship abuse, many women are stuck in cycles of abuse and they don’t know how to get out. They keep choosing the same man with a different name over and over again. This isn’t destiny, or the way it’s supposed to be, it’s a matter of sleepwalking, and when one awakes and becomes conscious of their unconscious motivations and choices, they become equipped to make satisfying choices and to ultimately win in life. This is the power of my work as a therapist, I help people to discover themselves and to win. Attachment style is one of those unconscious motivations. From childhood, we were all placed into one of four attachment styles that are categorized as either secure or insecure. The insecure attachment styles are anxious, avoidant, or disorganized. Most of us in the insecure category fall into either anxious or avoidant. If you’ve done the work of discovering your attachment style, and you’ve determined you’re an anxious type, studies have shown you are more likely to enter into and remain in abusive relationships than any other attachment style. The main characteristics of anxious attachment are preoccupation with romantic relationships, a deep belief of not being good enough for healthy love, and fear of abandonment. Typically, this looks like rushing into relationships and spending an excessive amount of time in the company of the other person or thinking about them, fantasizing about a future with this person without any evidence they can fulfill the fantasy, and engaging in performative behavior like cooking, cleaning, or buying things to prove worth. The anxiously attached is so focused on being chosen, they are unaware of their capacity to choose; being chosen is the goal, by whatever means necessary. This is what makes the anxiously attached so susceptible to abuse of all forms. Attachment style is not a death sentence, the good news is, we can do the work to change it. It does require work, which is no walk in the park. With healthy introspection and a significant amount of trial and error, you can move from being insecurely attached, to securely attached. The purpose of secure attachment from childhood isn’t to find a secure mate, but to lead to an adulthood with security in yourself. As a child, you saw yourself as a reflection of your interactions with others. Now that you’re all grow up, you can learn to see yourself through a different lens that requires more of your own input and judgement. When you believe you’re good enough, worthy enough, and capable enough for anything, you won’t settle for anything less and you’ll naturally become more securely attached to yourself and to others.
Black woman

Becoming Discipline

By Kerrie Jones • December 12, 2024
We all have had the experience of wanting to achieve something that we couldn’t quite attain. In fact, many of us are likely pursuing something at this very moment that seems to constantly elude us, and for some of us we don’t understand why we can’t get there. There are a number of possibilities to address the “why?”, however the most obvious answer is, we lack discipline. What’s even more frustrating is when our challenges with discipline are confined to only a few areas in our lives. For example, you may wonder, “how is it that I’m able to do well with achieving my career goals, but I struggle with saving?”. When these questions arise, most of us can easily identify a lack of discipline as the issue; but what exactly is discipline, and how do we get more of it? Discipline is widely understood to be the quality of maintaining control to achieve a desired outcome, which is at times is easier said than done for most all of us. What’s little understood about discipline is the role of emotions, and the importance of being intimately acquainted with them to get what we really want out of life. Today, most people know very little about emotions; in fact, many of us run from them or dismiss them as something that’s only for women. The truth is that we’re all emotional, and if we fail to understand that, we’re limiting the degree to which we can live fulfilling and enjoyable lives. We all experience emotions. We get sad, mad, happy, excited, and afraid, even if we don’t express ourselves outwardly. When we fail to recognize our emotions and the behaviors that typically accompany them, we can be driven in all sorts of directions without any regard for wisdom or logic. For example, when someone is happy, they can spend money buying drinks for everyone without having the means to do so, and when they return to their logical state, they may experience regret because they just spent their rent. It’s interesting how within one body two opposing intentions can exist, and one will always win. This is the power of our emotions, and left unattended or ignored, they can destroy everything that we work hard for. So, what can you do? Know your emotions, attend to your emotions, wait out your emotions, and use emotions to inform wise decisions. The word emotion is synonymous with ‘feeling’. This is because we literally feel our emotions in our body. Often, we talk about “feeling” things, and most of the time we’re talking about beliefs that we think, not what we feel. Some of our feelings are unique, but by and large we feel similarly. For example, when we’re afraid, most of us feel our heart pounding or our stomach dropping, or both. When we’re sad, we feel the tears welling up for a cry. These are feelings. Many of us have developed a habit of suppressing our feelings, thereby suppressing our emotions, and when we do this, both grow to become uncontrollable and our actions follow suit. Suppressed emotions stay in the body and typically result in emotional and physical distress that results in mental health issues and medical disease. When we allow ourselves to feel, it relieves the pressure and makes room for the next emotional experience. When we attend to emotions, we give attention to ourselves; it can look like showing curiosity about the source of the emotion; so in fear, we may ask ourselves, “what am I actually afraid of?”. This line of inquiry can often resolve the emotion if we come to realize we have nothing to fear. On the other hand, it can provide us with information about the environment around us, and when we take the next step of waiting out our emotions, we can then make wise decisions without regret. Feelings pass. When we give space to our emotions they may wash over us like a wave, and then they’re gone. There are times when we may need to act while in our emotions, like when there’s eminent danger, and in these cases, managing our emotions can be the difference between a stampede that hurts people or moving quickly and orderly, keeping everyone as safe as possible. The key to waiting out emotions is not to speak or act while the emotional experience is present. This keeps us from engaging in behaviors like impulse buying, going off on others, or even excessive drinking, smoking, or drug use. Once the emotion has passed and we return to logic we can use emotions to make informed decisions in the moment for our future. In essence, discipline is about bridging the gap between logic and emotion. Without emotion, we are likely to make decisions that seem good for us, but possibly bring no enjoyment. In the heat of emotion, decisions only feel good, and usually only in the moment the emotion is present. Wisdom can be found in our emotions, we were given them for a reason, use yours for your benefit.
Black man holding a camera

Who Are You?

By Kerrie Jones • November 12, 2024
When faced with the question of “Who are you?”, many people really don’t know the answer. It’s a sad reality that we know so little about the person whom we walk around with all day every day, yet if I were to ask you about the other people in your world, you’d be able to answer the question with great accuracy. I know, you probably don’t think you fall into this category because as you’ve begun thinking about who you are, you’ve come up with quite a few adjectives to describe yourself. I’d like to challenge you, however, to remove all descriptors that associate you with someone else, like mother, sister, friend, and even giver. The question is more about who you are at your core, independent of others. If there was no one else around, who would you be? What would exist in your world? What would motivate you? What would please you? Many of us are so “other” focused that we haven’t taken the time to get to know ourselves, the most important person in our world; and if we don’t know ourselves, what exactly are we doing with the brief life we’re given? How can we be confident that we’re making the most of everyday? We can’t. If you’re struggling to describe yourself, you don’t truly know yourself; and if you don’t know yourself, you can’t live for yourself. If this is you, I invite you to turn off autopilot and to take the time survey your life with clear focus of yourself in it, so you can live! You may be wondering how to do that, and there are many ways to go about it; I’ll give you a few to get you going. 1. Notice yourself. Take time every day, if possible, during your optimal time of day (i.e., mornings for a morning person) to simply breathe deeply and notice your breath. If you’ve never done this, it can bring up emotions for you. If you can tolerate it, allow the emotions to come as you continue to notice your breath. If this is unbearable, be compassionate with yourself and don’t push. Grab a drink of water and bring your attention to the space outside of yourself to get back to safety. 2. Journal. Journaling is a great way to discover your thoughts and feelings. Again, your optimal time of day is the best time to journal, and you can journal about anything. The best way to approach journaling is to write like no one else will read it. After finishing, read back what you’ve written. If necessary, destroy and discard your journal entries to protect your heart from others. 3. Discover your core values. Core values are deeply connected to our beliefs, and when we operate from them our actions are more intentional and aligned with who we are or who we want to be. We all have core values, even if we don’t recognize it. When we acknowledge our core values, we use them as our guiding light as we move through the world. When we fail to act with our core values in mind, often we experience shame, regret, and resentment. If you need help with discovering your core values, simply search “core values” on the internet and you’ll find sites that provide lists of examples. Once you discover your core values, I invite you to analyze them to determine if they truly resonate with you, or if they’re what you “should” choose based on your environment or upbringing. If it’s the latter, scrap them and try again. 4. Look in the mirror. Spend time looking at yourself in the mirror. What do you see? What do you like? Why? What don’t you like? Why? What would it be like to accept and embrace it all without attempting to change it? (Side note: these are great prompts for journaling.) When looking in the mirror, it’s important to note that what we see on ourselves is often reflective of what we see in ourselves. Many people want to change the outside, when really, it’s the inside we want to change. We all have the power to change, and acceptance is the first step. Remember, nothing in this world exists without positives and negatives, not even atoms. Our negative attributes provide balance; sometimes accepting them is all that’s needed. 5. Therapy. Therapy is a great place to learn about yourself; after all, it is all about you. In therapy you talk quite a bit, and then listen with the goal of gaining more insight into the way you exist in the world. Without help, many of us will sleepwalk through life and face many regrets. We are thinking, speaking, and behaving, and we don’t always know the why that’s at the root of it all. It is not a place to be told what to do, but rather to learn who you are so you can achieve your goals. Keep in mind, not all therapists are created equal. One attribute of a great therapist is their ability to take your words and to use them as a mirror for you to see your emotional and psychological self more clearly. If you find a therapist who can do this, you’re likely on your way to better knowing yourself. If you believe you can’t afford therapy, many states have agencies that offer low-cost options. In California, there’s Southern California Counseling Center, they offer low-cost therapy with pre-licensed counselors.
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