Emotions Are Information

Often many of us want to see the good in people, which is a setup for our own disappointment, resentment, or heartbreak. When we focus primarily on seeing the good in people it creates a gap that prevents us from seeing the real in people; and when we can’t see the real we are left vulnerable and defenseless to the abuses of others. Vulnerability and defenselessness are comforting and healthy in the presence of safety, but what do we do when others are unsafe? Simply put, we pay attention so we can navigate our way to safety. Unsafe people are abusive; and abusive people want power and control. If you’re going to get to the place where you can never be abused again, you’ll need to hold onto your power and secure your sense of safety. To do this it’s necessary to see people for who they are, even when they are well-intended, because well-intended people can be unsafe as well. I know how difficult it can be to call a spade a spade, especially when you haven’t trusted your intuition on this level before it the past. So, I want to give you three ways to know when you are at risk of being abused. Secrets In most cases, abusers don’t want others to know about their abuse. They take the time to select the right target to help ensure their tactics get them what they want without being discovered by others, so they go to great lengths to establish rules of secrecy in the relationship. For children, the rules of secrecy can start off as a game that’s generalized to everything that occurs in the relationship. Among adults, the rule can be established many ways; it can be framed as a mandate from the outset where there is a threat of loss because they tout themselves as being “a private person” who doesn’t want others in their business, or they mine you for something embarrassing so they can use it as a threat to expose you if you were to tell others. Another way secrecy is established between adults is through the appeal of elitism; you’re apart of something special that others cannot know about because they are not special enough or are incapable of understanding. This approach often evolves to become more threatening if secrecy is not maintained. The problem with secrecy is that in the beginning the secrets are innocent and maybe even fun, with time, however, you, the secret-holder become more of a target for abuse and the intensity of the secrets makes them more difficult to maintain. Next, you may run into the issue of sunken cost where the commitment to the secret becomes greater than the commitment to personal well-being. So much has happened that it can seem like there’s no point in telling others, so the cycle continues, and it becomes a breeding ground for shame. Disclosing abusive secrets is the key to unlocking your freedom, and avoiding secrets altogether is the key to maintaining your power. Urgency/Rushing While we don’t have all the time in the world, taking our time before making decisions, especially important decisions is vital. Often when we rush into decision-making we can run into regret. When others impose a sense of urgency upon us it’s often because there’s something they don’t want us to consider. The pressure of time disrupts calm, and when we are deprived of calm it inhibits our ability to develop sound and clear thoughts; and without active awareness we can only really process what’s in front of us at the time, including what we hear from the person in our ear rushing us to decide. Generally, people who create this type of condition stand to gain more from your immediate decision than a well-thought out one. This is a power play, and it’s abusive. Pressure/Ultimatums There’s a significant difference between asking someone to make a decision and asking for a decision with an imposed threat. In the absence of threat or pressure the true self emerges and the heart decides; threats muddy the waters. It’s hard to know what someone might naturally do when pressure is involved and when someone introduces threat, they generally want to control the outcome. Because of this, people who impose pressure upon others are abusive. The goal is to get what they want, not to discover what you want; this positions you to choose between them and you, and when you succumb to pressure, you’re choosing them. In healthy relationships there is a respect for autonomy; each participant is free to think, speak and act according to their own will. Naturally, we only have control over ourselves, and with that control, we have the ability to walk away from people who are incompatible with us. One way to assess for compatibility is to pay attention to our comfortability in relation to others. Are you comfortable with keeping secrets or with being rushed? If not, someone who requires this of you is not compatible with you. If you’re indifferent, it’s possible that you have an extensive history of abuse that is familiar which leads you to settle for behavior you aren’t really comfortable with. In that case, you need to heal so you can learn the signals your body gives you to indicate deep discomfort. Ultimately, there’s no need to try to make something fit with someone who doesn’t fit you, and the only way to know if there’s a fit is to pay attention. If you’re having challenges in your relationships and you need support, please reach out.

It’s difficult to indulge in any form of media without stumbling upon an article or video that exposes a psychological challenge and provides some solution to the problem. Pop psychology is on the rise due to an increase in suffering, we the “experts” are trying to do all we can to help as many people as we can, and one of the greatest causes of suffering is relationship abuse. In my practice I specialize in recovery from narcissistic abuse and I’ve come to understand that people, largely women, who have suffered abuse aren’t victims, they’ve chosen their abuser(s), and ultimately their abuse. I know, you may be asking the question, ‘why would someone choose abuse?’, and my answer to that is they’re not making a conscious and active choice, but rather one from the subconscious.  Ages ago, people who studied the mind discovered the power of the unconscious has to take control of our lives, and in the last century, a psychologist, Carl Jung said, “until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate”. What this means for you is you are likely being controlled by unconscious drivers that have highjacked the brain and lead you to do things you don’t truly want to do. It’s evident when you look at your life and you find yourself stuck in patterns and cycles that are taking you away from where you want to be. In the case of relationship abuse, many women are stuck in cycles of abuse and they don’t know how to get out. They keep choosing the same man with a different name over and over again. This isn’t destiny, or the way it’s supposed to be, it’s a matter of sleepwalking, and when one awakes and becomes conscious of their unconscious motivations and choices, they become equipped to make satisfying choices and to ultimately win in life. This is the power of my work as a therapist, I help people to discover themselves and to win. Attachment style is one of those unconscious motivations. From childhood, we were all placed into one of four attachment styles that are categorized as either secure or insecure. The insecure attachment styles are anxious, avoidant, or disorganized. Most of us in the insecure category fall into either anxious or avoidant. If you’ve done the work of discovering your attachment style, and you’ve determined you’re an anxious type, studies have shown you are more likely to enter into and remain in abusive relationships than any other attachment style. The main characteristics of anxious attachment are preoccupation with romantic relationships, a deep belief of not being good enough for healthy love, and fear of abandonment. Typically, this looks like rushing into relationships and spending an excessive amount of time in the company of the other person or thinking about them, fantasizing about a future with this person without any evidence they can fulfill the fantasy, and engaging in performative behavior like cooking, cleaning, or buying things to prove worth. The anxiously attached is so focused on being chosen, they are unaware of their capacity to choose; being chosen is the goal, by whatever means necessary. This is what makes the anxiously attached so susceptible to abuse of all forms. Attachment style is not a death sentence, the good news is, we can do the work to change it. It does require work, which is no walk in the park. With healthy introspection and a significant amount of trial and error, you can move from being insecurely attached, to securely attached. The purpose of secure attachment from childhood isn’t to find a secure mate, but to lead to an adulthood with security in yourself. As a child, you saw yourself as a reflection of your interactions with others. Now that you’re all grow up, you can learn to see yourself through a different lens that requires more of your own input and judgement. When you believe you’re good enough, worthy enough, and capable enough for anything, you won’t settle for anything less and you’ll naturally become more securely attached to yourself and to others.