Rethinking Self-Care

Kerrie Jones • October 16, 2024

From the moment we exited the womb, we were only concerned about one thing, ourselves. Driven and motivated to meet the need to be fed and held, we cried in our helplessness to have our caretaker(s) come to our rescue. As we developed, our needs evolved and expanded to the need for connection and learning from those around us, and at the same time we began relying on ourselves to hold our own heads, our bottle, and eventually to crawl, walk, and eat independently. Over time, we took responsibility for many of the things our parents or caregivers did for us, and for some of us, adamantly so, as we refused hand-holding and spoon-feeding. We followed the example of our caretakers and we grew into adults who would eventually do for themselves, much of what was done for us over the course of our development.

 

When done well enough, caretaking is a beautiful process that spans helplessness, observation, trial, error, proficiency, and mastery in every area of our lives. Those areas include meeting our physical, spiritual, and emotional needs. Unfortunately, for many of us, in the context of emotional caretaking, the process wasn’t so beautiful; and though we may say we didn’t have it so bad, when we look at the fruit of our lives, we might surmise that it wasn’t all that great; some important things were missed. Let’s be clear, most parents did the very best they could with what they had, to give us the care that we needed; and though this is true, it also still wasn’t enough. The result, adults who may have mastery of how to physically care for themselves, yet lack the ability to fully care for themselves which leaves us with a self-care dilemma.

 

I conceptualize self-care as all of the things we do to meet our own needs. The challenge to self-care is that many of us are not attuned to our needs because we’ve suppressed them and put them away as a result of them not being met by our caretakers during our very formative years; but we weren’t able to put them away completely. Those needs still linger around waiting to be met, and they often surface when we find ourselves in relationships with others. Many times, we don’t know the need exists, and if we do, we struggle to articulate it, because we were never given the opportunity to do so as we developed. This can result in misdirected blame and upset with others who aren’t aware of our needs, nor how to meet them. What’s more is that many of the needs we place with others to fulfill aren’t for them to meet, we’ve simply had no one to show us how to meet the need for ourselves (like we did with eating and bathing), so we rely on others to do so, crippling us and the relationship in the process.

 

Self-care most commonly looks like spa days, going to the hair salon, and vacationing; and because of this, self-care doesn’t seem attainable for most people. In reality, self-care on a more basic level includes activities like going to the bathroom, eating, and bathing, which are triggered by an urge within us like a full bladder, hunger, or routine and discomfort with uncleanliness. To engage in self-care, we need to be connected to ourselves to assess what we need and then take steps to care for it; this requires self-care before the self-care. Many of us weren’t attended to as children; we weren’t seen, heard, or understood. The result is that we’ve grown into adults who don’t see, hear, or understand ourselves. We simply don’t know what we need, and when permitted, we chase what seems to fill needs, or at least what feels good, but often leaves us feeling empty when it’s all said and done. This can result in addictions, including drugs/alcohol, sex, porn, food, shopping, etc.; all of which presents momentary highs with long-term distress.

 

True self-care addresses the needs at our core. Most of the time, we’re not in need of a spa day or vacation, we just really want it. The needs that might exist at our core are de-stress, asking for help, or advocating for ourselves with a boss. The way to know what we need is to do the self-care before the self-care; to take time with ourselves to find out what our challenges are, what’s missing from our lives, and how we’re really feeling. This work can be challenging, or at the very least distasteful in the beginning for those of us who weren’t attended to during our childhood, who experienced neglect, were dismissed, and who’s feeling weren’t validated. The unconscious thought is, “if my parents didn’t attend to me why should I?”. The answer is, because this is the way it’s supposed to be. You have needs, and you’re the one designed to meet them, even if those needs are ultimately designed to be met by others. You don’t feel hungry and wait for someone to change your diaper, nor would you have someone bathe you, you can do it best yourself. Likewise, you are best suited to love yourself, advocate for yourself, and to seek out and cultivate relationships with others who are suitable to care for you. It’s a simple concept, and not very easily applied, be patient and compassionate with yourself.

 

If you need support on your journey of self-care, seek out the support of a trust friend or family member, or even a therapist. If you can’t afford therapy, there are low-cost options available in your state. In California, I highly recommend Southern California Counseling Center (https://sccc-la.org/).

 

Take good care of yourself!

How to Know If He's Good For You

By Kerrie Hudson • October 20, 2026
Spoiler alert. Let’s get straight to the answer. The way to know if he’s good for you is to take the time to get to know him. I know, I know. Duh, Kerrie. It seems like a simple answer, and I’m certain that getting to know him is exactly what you think you’ve been doing. And yet, if you had actually taken the time to get to know him, how do you keep arriving at the conclusion over and over again that you didn’t know any of them at all? How are you surprised at how it all ended? This answer is also pretty simple: you’ve known who you wanted them to be; you didn’t really know them. Like many women, you’ve likely found yourself certain about a love prospect only to find that you were certainly wrong when it all blew up months, years, maybe even decades later. After a few failures, you’ve either sworn off relationships altogether, or you go into each of them with trepidation, wondering, “How can I be sure this time?” And the answer is, you can’t. Not without significant time spent getting to know this person, and more importantly, getting to know yourself and the mindset that you bring to choosing. Until now, you’ve chosen based on vibes and intensity instead of values and character. You’ve chased the high that swells from a flirtatious exchange or that craveable attention or that look of desire he always gave you. I get it. It felt good. And in the words of my granny, it wasn’t worth a nickel. You placed all of your value on the feels, and you ignored the thing that sticks around long after the spark fades: character. You see, it’s who he is when he’s not giving you excessive attention or spoiling you with things or touching you in a way that drives your body crazy that creates the experience you’ll live with from day to day. And because he was so good at giving you the feels, you excused his behavior and projected onto him the person you wanted, and likely needed him to be in order to make this work. And when the vibes settle and the excuses fade, you’re left with the thing you ignored all along: the truth of who he’s always been. He didn’t trick you. I’m sure he lied and deceived, and that’s on him. And as hard as it may be to receive, you tricked yourself by setting aside your discernment because you wanted what he fed you to be true. And we’re not doing that anymore. If you want to choose well, you’ve got to view well. Set down the rose-colored glasses and put on the clear spectacles that bring things into 20/20 vision. You don’t need to magnify what you see, and you certainly don’t need to diminish it. You just need to see things as they are. Doing that takes time. So, if you’re going to choose well, you need patience. Slow down. I know that love feels urgent. Society places all sorts of pressure on women to get married and start families. But trust me, doing any of that with the wrong man is far worse than you can ever imagine. Churches, families, friends, heck, even strangers add pressure, and you don’t have to succumb to it just because you’re trying to do things the “right way.” At times, your choices can feel very natural, and he can feel right. If he is right, what’s the rush? Really? And maybe you’re asking, “What am I waiting for?” It’s this. The purpose of patience is to give yourself the time to gather information. Who is his family? What are their values (because he isn’t likely to stray too far away from them)? Who are his friends? How does he handle responsibility? Conflict? Disappointment? And most importantly, how do you feel engaging with him in all of these scenarios and more? If you’re going to live a life with him, what are the samples of life revealing to you about his character? Be honest with yourself. There’s no point in engaging in any of these exercises if the goal is to have HIM at all costs. If the goal, however, is to choose a good man, it’s not enough to just see him as he is, it’s being honest with yourself about what you see. Often honesty is replaced with excuses. And to your credit, he’s made it easy for you to lean into them. Before you saw his issues, you heard his explanation for them, which made it easy to excuse poor decision-making and bad behavior. You’ve got a reason for things like interpersonal conflict, estrangement from children, and his life struggles, and he isn’t at the center of any of it. The challenges in his life are all their fault. He sold you the sob story, and you ate it up. Not only are you there in support of him, but you’re on the front lines fighting his battles and working to clean up his messes that he continues to make every time you turn away. Not only have you chosen wrong, you’re now invested, which often leads to significant loss. And again, we’re not doing that anymore. What we are doing is taking the time to get to know ourselves and the reasons for our choices. There is a reason you’ve been choosing the same man over and over again, and this is a cycle that is within your power to break. Because there is a man who’s good for you, and no one will know him other than you. The key is knowing what’s good for you. What do you want? What do you need? And who’s most suitable to give those things to you? In large part, you couldn’t know what was good for you if it knocked on your front door because you didn’t know yourself. You haven’t even known what it means to truly care for yourself beyond meeting your physical needs. This is why it’s been easy to settle for behavior that’s painful. And I want better for you. As I mentioned before, there’s no way to know for certain that he’s right for you without significant evidence. And even with evidence, the key is to become certain about your ability to do what’s best for you, and that requires putting in the work to heal and overcome some things. Because the power and ability to choose what’s best for you have been in you all along. They’ve just been pushed aside by the thing you keep running back to: pain. And we’re healing that.
Woman walking away

Why Do I Stay When I Know I Should Leave?

By Kerrie Hudson • September 15, 2026
You know the relationship is toxic. You know you should leave. So why do you stay? Learn how familiar relationship patterns can keep pulling you back.

Why Do I Defend Someone Who Hurts Me? Understanding Trauma Bonds

By Kerrie Hudson • August 11, 2026
I was reflecting on the relationship I have with my older sister. Well, we don’t have much of a relationship today. Growing up, she was my very first trauma bond. Verbally, she expressed so much love and care, and at the same time, I experienced so much hate at her hands. I loved her. I was loyal to her. I was confused. That’s essentially at the core of a trauma bond. Confusion. And if the trauma bond itself isn’t confusing enough, they can be found everywhere: in churches, families, and especially in love, making them so difficult to detect. When you’ve grown up in a family where you were trauma bonded, then possibly a church or another institution where trauma bonding runs rampant, the dynamic becomes commonplace. In fact, it feels like home, a smelly one. One where visitors detect it, but the people who live there are oblivious. Just like someone who’s invited you into an offensive home, the realization that you’ve been trauma bonding can produce shame. In both situations it’s easy to overlook. Many people do. There’s nothing to do about the past, and taking responsibility for the future is key. But first, the issue at hand. At worst, a smelly home is offensive. But trauma bonds? They hurt. And that pain can go unnoticed for a while. Often, the pain of a trauma bond is first perceived by recognizing its impact on another. In churches, it looks like a pastor or authority figure hurting others while the congregation defends them. Eventually, the protection emboldens more abuse, and the hurt spreads. Some walk away, others continue to endure it because they hold onto the good and reject the bad even though it hurts. That’s the bond at work. In a family, a child defends the parent who hurts the other parent. They don’t understand the dynamic because the abusive parent is kind to them. Eventually as they grow, they are directly targeted and abused. In spite of the pain they feel, they hold on, because it “isn’t that bad”. The child knows two people, one who’s kind, and one who’s abusive. They want to believe the former is the “real them”, while they work to appease the latter, and it grows more intense. Early experiences like these create the mindset that causes you to hope for the best while experiencing the worst instead of walking away. It’s the setup for leaning into love that hurts, until it hurts so much that you eventually have no choice but to walk away. It’s a part of the relational blueprint you developed early that dictates love is supposed to hurt, at least a little; and when you tolerate a little hurt, you will tolerate a lot of it. When the warning signs of a trauma bond are visible to others, the people closest to you can see it; even those who can’t see it in their own relationships. They may not know what it’s called, but they can detect its impact, either now or in the future. If they intervene (and it’s best that they do), their expressions of concern can land as a threat to one of our most basic needs, love. It can also reinforce shame due to the exposure of the truth that you’ve been explaining away or hiding from yourself to make love work. Ultimately, it can lead to isolation and even more pain. For many people, instead of taking the intervention into consideration, they reject it, and often reject the people who love them most. The presence of pain, now or in the future, isn’t a big enough threat because it aligns with what you’ve come to believe love is. So, of course you’ll chase the trauma bond, because this is what “love” has always looked like. Love, or the potential for love, can be blinding to the reality of pain, especially if you’re starting with an unhealthy blueprint. The key is to take an honest look at the blueprint to determine how you got here, and to re-work it so it leads you to real love, not love as you’ve known it, but the love you desperately desire. I know that part of you may be pushing back, because you’ve already tried doing things differently, and it didn’t work. Journaling, listening to podcasts, and even taking the steps to fix your approach or your appearance. None of these are wrong; they are incomplete. You can’t attract something new from an old mindset. What you haven’t yet tried is doing the actual work of healing: exploring the dynamics that led you here, embracing thoughts of new possibilities, and becoming the person who no longer tolerates unhealthy dynamics so she has room for healthy ones. That’s the work. If you’re ready to do the work, The Restoration Group is where it happens. You learn the signs of abuse, and more importantly you’ll learn to detect it, to feel it in your body, to trust yourself. You’ll explore the difficulties of your attachment style and relationship dynamics and rework them to healthier ways of relating. The most important work we do is restoring the relationship with yourself, because if you don’t love you, you’ll reject anyone who does. Join this powerful group of women as they become the women they never imagined they could be. The next cohort begins this Thursday, August 13 th . After that, there’s only one more opportunity to do this work for the rest of the year. Register now.