Counseling and psychotherapy for individuals, couples and families.

Rethinking Self-Care

Kerrie Jones • October 16, 2024

From the moment we exited the womb, we were only concerned about one thing, ourselves. Driven and motivated to meet the need to be fed and held, we cried in our helplessness to have our caretaker(s) come to our rescue. As we developed, our needs evolved and expanded to the need for connection and learning from those around us, and at the same time we began relying on ourselves to hold our own heads, our bottle, and eventually to crawl, walk, and eat independently. Over time, we took responsibility for many of the things our parents or caregivers did for us, and for some of us, adamantly so, as we refused hand-holding and spoon-feeding. We followed the example of our caretakers and we grew into adults who would eventually do for themselves, much of what was done for us over the course of our development.

 

When done well enough, caretaking is a beautiful process that spans helplessness, observation, trial, error, proficiency, and mastery in every area of our lives. Those areas include meeting our physical, spiritual, and emotional needs. Unfortunately, for many of us, in the context of emotional caretaking, the process wasn’t so beautiful; and though we may say we didn’t have it so bad, when we look at the fruit of our lives, we might surmise that it wasn’t all that great; some important things were missed. Let’s be clear, most parents did the very best they could with what they had, to give us the care that we needed; and though this is true, it also still wasn’t enough. The result, adults who may have mastery of how to physically care for themselves, yet lack the ability to fully care for themselves which leaves us with a self-care dilemma.

 

I conceptualize self-care as all of the things we do to meet our own needs. The challenge to self-care is that many of us are not attuned to our needs because we’ve suppressed them and put them away as a result of them not being met by our caretakers during our very formative years; but we weren’t able to put them away completely. Those needs still linger around waiting to be met, and they often surface when we find ourselves in relationships with others. Many times, we don’t know the need exists, and if we do, we struggle to articulate it, because we were never given the opportunity to do so as we developed. This can result in misdirected blame and upset with others who aren’t aware of our needs, nor how to meet them. What’s more is that many of the needs we place with others to fulfill aren’t for them to meet, we’ve simply had no one to show us how to meet the need for ourselves (like we did with eating and bathing), so we rely on others to do so, crippling us and the relationship in the process.

 

Self-care most commonly looks like spa days, going to the hair salon, and vacationing; and because of this, self-care doesn’t seem attainable for most people. In reality, self-care on a more basic level includes activities like going to the bathroom, eating, and bathing, which are triggered by an urge within us like a full bladder, hunger, or routine and discomfort with uncleanliness. To engage in self-care, we need to be connected to ourselves to assess what we need and then take steps to care for it; this requires self-care before the self-care. Many of us weren’t attended to as children; we weren’t seen, heard, or understood. The result is that we’ve grown into adults who don’t see, hear, or understand ourselves. We simply don’t know what we need, and when permitted, we chase what seems to fill needs, or at least what feels good, but often leaves us feeling empty when it’s all said and done. This can result in addictions, including drugs/alcohol, sex, porn, food, shopping, etc.; all of which presents momentary highs with long-term distress.

 

True self-care addresses the needs at our core. Most of the time, we’re not in need of a spa day or vacation, we just really want it. The needs that might exist at our core are de-stress, asking for help, or advocating for ourselves with a boss. The way to know what we need is to do the self-care before the self-care; to take time with ourselves to find out what our challenges are, what’s missing from our lives, and how we’re really feeling. This work can be challenging, or at the very least distasteful in the beginning for those of us who weren’t attended to during our childhood, who experienced neglect, were dismissed, and who’s feeling weren’t validated. The unconscious thought is, “if my parents didn’t attend to me why should I?”. The answer is, because this is the way it’s supposed to be. You have needs, and you’re the one designed to meet them, even if those needs are ultimately designed to be met by others. You don’t feel hungry and wait for someone to change your diaper, nor would you have someone bathe you, you can do it best yourself. Likewise, you are best suited to love yourself, advocate for yourself, and to seek out and cultivate relationships with others who are suitable to care for you. It’s a simple concept, and not very easily applied, be patient and compassionate with yourself.

 

If you need support on your journey of self-care, seek out the support of a trust friend or family member, or even a therapist. If you can’t afford therapy, there are low-cost options available in your state. In California, I highly recommend Southern California Counseling Center (https://sccc-la.org/).

 

Take good care of yourself!

3 Telltale Signs of an Abuser

By Kerrie Jones • February 14, 2025
Often many of us want to see the good in people, which is a setup for our own disappointment, resentment, or heartbreak. When we focus primarily on seeing the good in people it creates a gap that prevents us from seeing the real in people; and when we can’t see the real we are left vulnerable and defenseless to the abuses of others. Vulnerability and defenselessness are comforting and healthy in the presence of safety, but what do we do when others are unsafe? Simply put, we pay attention so we can navigate our way to safety. Unsafe people are abusive; and abusive people want power and control. If you’re going to get to the place where you can never be abused again, you’ll need to hold onto your power and secure your sense of safety. To do this it’s necessary to see people for who they are, even when they are well-intended, because well-intended people can be unsafe as well. I know how difficult it can be to call a spade a spade, especially when you haven’t trusted your intuition on this level before it the past. So, I want to give you three ways to know when you are at risk of being abused. Secrets In most cases, abusers don’t want others to know about their abuse. They take the time to select the right target to help ensure their tactics get them what they want without being discovered by others, so they go to great lengths to establish rules of secrecy in the relationship. For children, the rules of secrecy can start off as a game that’s generalized to everything that occurs in the relationship. Among adults, the rule can be established many ways; it can be framed as a mandate from the outset where there is a threat of loss because they tout themselves as being “a private person” who doesn’t want others in their business, or they mine you for something embarrassing so they can use it as a threat to expose you if you were to tell others. Another way secrecy is established between adults is through the appeal of elitism; you’re apart of something special that others cannot know about because they are not special enough or are incapable of understanding. This approach often evolves to become more threatening if secrecy is not maintained. The problem with secrecy is that in the beginning the secrets are innocent and maybe even fun, with time, however, you, the secret-holder become more of a target for abuse and the intensity of the secrets makes them more difficult to maintain. Next, you may run into the issue of sunken cost where the commitment to the secret becomes greater than the commitment to personal well-being. So much has happened that it can seem like there’s no point in telling others, so the cycle continues, and it becomes a breeding ground for shame. Disclosing abusive secrets is the key to unlocking your freedom, and avoiding secrets altogether is the key to maintaining your power. Urgency/Rushing While we don’t have all the time in the world, taking our time before making decisions, especially important decisions is vital. Often when we rush into decision-making we can run into regret. When others impose a sense of urgency upon us it’s often because there’s something they don’t want us to consider. The pressure of time disrupts calm, and when we are deprived of calm it inhibits our ability to develop sound and clear thoughts; and without active awareness we can only really process what’s in front of us at the time, including what we hear from the person in our ear rushing us to decide. Generally, people who create this type of condition stand to gain more from your immediate decision than a well-thought out one. This is a power play, and it’s abusive. Pressure/Ultimatums There’s a significant difference between asking someone to make a decision and asking for a decision with an imposed threat. In the absence of threat or pressure the true self emerges and the heart decides; threats muddy the waters. It’s hard to know what someone might naturally do when pressure is involved and when someone introduces threat, they generally want to control the outcome. Because of this, people who impose pressure upon others are abusive. The goal is to get what they want, not to discover what you want; this positions you to choose between them and you, and when you succumb to pressure, you’re choosing them. In healthy relationships there is a respect for autonomy; each participant is free to think, speak and act according to their own will. Naturally, we only have control over ourselves, and with that control, we have the ability to walk away from people who are incompatible with us. One way to assess for compatibility is to pay attention to our comfortability in relation to others. Are you comfortable with keeping secrets or with being rushed? If not, someone who requires this of you is not compatible with you. If you’re indifferent, it’s possible that you have an extensive history of abuse that is familiar which leads you to settle for behavior you aren’t really comfortable with. In that case, you need to heal so you can learn the signals your body gives you to indicate deep discomfort. Ultimately, there’s no need to try to make something fit with someone who doesn’t fit you, and the only way to know if there’s a fit is to pay attention. If you’re having challenges in your relationships and you need support, please reach out.

The Trouble with Anxious Attachment

By Kerrie Jones • January 29, 2025
It’s difficult to indulge in any form of media without stumbling upon an article or video that exposes a psychological challenge and provides some solution to the problem. Pop psychology is on the rise due to an increase in suffering, we the “experts” are trying to do all we can to help as many people as we can, and one of the greatest causes of suffering is relationship abuse. In my practice I specialize in recovery from narcissistic abuse and I’ve come to understand that people, largely women, who have suffered abuse aren’t victims, they’ve chosen their abuser(s), and ultimately their abuse. I know, you may be asking the question, ‘why would someone choose abuse?’, and my answer to that is they’re not making a conscious and active choice, but rather one from the subconscious.  Ages ago, people who studied the mind discovered the power of the unconscious has to take control of our lives, and in the last century, a psychologist, Carl Jung said, “until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate”. What this means for you is you are likely being controlled by unconscious drivers that have highjacked the brain and lead you to do things you don’t truly want to do. It’s evident when you look at your life and you find yourself stuck in patterns and cycles that are taking you away from where you want to be. In the case of relationship abuse, many women are stuck in cycles of abuse and they don’t know how to get out. They keep choosing the same man with a different name over and over again. This isn’t destiny, or the way it’s supposed to be, it’s a matter of sleepwalking, and when one awakes and becomes conscious of their unconscious motivations and choices, they become equipped to make satisfying choices and to ultimately win in life. This is the power of my work as a therapist, I help people to discover themselves and to win. Attachment style is one of those unconscious motivations. From childhood, we were all placed into one of four attachment styles that are categorized as either secure or insecure. The insecure attachment styles are anxious, avoidant, or disorganized. Most of us in the insecure category fall into either anxious or avoidant. If you’ve done the work of discovering your attachment style, and you’ve determined you’re an anxious type, studies have shown you are more likely to enter into and remain in abusive relationships than any other attachment style. The main characteristics of anxious attachment are preoccupation with romantic relationships, a deep belief of not being good enough for healthy love, and fear of abandonment. Typically, this looks like rushing into relationships and spending an excessive amount of time in the company of the other person or thinking about them, fantasizing about a future with this person without any evidence they can fulfill the fantasy, and engaging in performative behavior like cooking, cleaning, or buying things to prove worth. The anxiously attached is so focused on being chosen, they are unaware of their capacity to choose; being chosen is the goal, by whatever means necessary. This is what makes the anxiously attached so susceptible to abuse of all forms. Attachment style is not a death sentence, the good news is, we can do the work to change it. It does require work, which is no walk in the park. With healthy introspection and a significant amount of trial and error, you can move from being insecurely attached, to securely attached. The purpose of secure attachment from childhood isn’t to find a secure mate, but to lead to an adulthood with security in yourself. As a child, you saw yourself as a reflection of your interactions with others. Now that you’re all grow up, you can learn to see yourself through a different lens that requires more of your own input and judgement. When you believe you’re good enough, worthy enough, and capable enough for anything, you won’t settle for anything less and you’ll naturally become more securely attached to yourself and to others.
Black woman

Becoming Discipline

By Kerrie Jones • December 12, 2024
We all have had the experience of wanting to achieve something that we couldn’t quite attain. In fact, many of us are likely pursuing something at this very moment that seems to constantly elude us, and for some of us we don’t understand why we can’t get there. There are a number of possibilities to address the “why?”, however the most obvious answer is, we lack discipline. What’s even more frustrating is when our challenges with discipline are confined to only a few areas in our lives. For example, you may wonder, “how is it that I’m able to do well with achieving my career goals, but I struggle with saving?”. When these questions arise, most of us can easily identify a lack of discipline as the issue; but what exactly is discipline, and how do we get more of it? Discipline is widely understood to be the quality of maintaining control to achieve a desired outcome, which is at times is easier said than done for most all of us. What’s little understood about discipline is the role of emotions, and the importance of being intimately acquainted with them to get what we really want out of life. Today, most people know very little about emotions; in fact, many of us run from them or dismiss them as something that’s only for women. The truth is that we’re all emotional, and if we fail to understand that, we’re limiting the degree to which we can live fulfilling and enjoyable lives. We all experience emotions. We get sad, mad, happy, excited, and afraid, even if we don’t express ourselves outwardly. When we fail to recognize our emotions and the behaviors that typically accompany them, we can be driven in all sorts of directions without any regard for wisdom or logic. For example, when someone is happy, they can spend money buying drinks for everyone without having the means to do so, and when they return to their logical state, they may experience regret because they just spent their rent. It’s interesting how within one body two opposing intentions can exist, and one will always win. This is the power of our emotions, and left unattended or ignored, they can destroy everything that we work hard for. So, what can you do? Know your emotions, attend to your emotions, wait out your emotions, and use emotions to inform wise decisions. The word emotion is synonymous with ‘feeling’. This is because we literally feel our emotions in our body. Often, we talk about “feeling” things, and most of the time we’re talking about beliefs that we think, not what we feel. Some of our feelings are unique, but by and large we feel similarly. For example, when we’re afraid, most of us feel our heart pounding or our stomach dropping, or both. When we’re sad, we feel the tears welling up for a cry. These are feelings. Many of us have developed a habit of suppressing our feelings, thereby suppressing our emotions, and when we do this, both grow to become uncontrollable and our actions follow suit. Suppressed emotions stay in the body and typically result in emotional and physical distress that results in mental health issues and medical disease. When we allow ourselves to feel, it relieves the pressure and makes room for the next emotional experience. When we attend to emotions, we give attention to ourselves; it can look like showing curiosity about the source of the emotion; so in fear, we may ask ourselves, “what am I actually afraid of?”. This line of inquiry can often resolve the emotion if we come to realize we have nothing to fear. On the other hand, it can provide us with information about the environment around us, and when we take the next step of waiting out our emotions, we can then make wise decisions without regret. Feelings pass. When we give space to our emotions they may wash over us like a wave, and then they’re gone. There are times when we may need to act while in our emotions, like when there’s eminent danger, and in these cases, managing our emotions can be the difference between a stampede that hurts people or moving quickly and orderly, keeping everyone as safe as possible. The key to waiting out emotions is not to speak or act while the emotional experience is present. This keeps us from engaging in behaviors like impulse buying, going off on others, or even excessive drinking, smoking, or drug use. Once the emotion has passed and we return to logic we can use emotions to make informed decisions in the moment for our future. In essence, discipline is about bridging the gap between logic and emotion. Without emotion, we are likely to make decisions that seem good for us, but possibly bring no enjoyment. In the heat of emotion, decisions only feel good, and usually only in the moment the emotion is present. Wisdom can be found in our emotions, we were given them for a reason, use yours for your benefit.
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